As some of you may know I have been taking an online class with Wendy Braun called The Success Breakthrough Workshop, in it, there is a module that talks about our core beliefs, fears and how to create new beliefs. It's amazing to me how we attach ourselves to certain negative beliefs so early in our lives and how long we can carry that baggage with us.
The more I really listen to others talk about life and career struggles as well as my own inner thoughts the more I realize a lot of what we think about is fear based. As actors, musicians, entrepreneurs, our whole livelihood is based on others liking us.....Think about that. It's not necessarily why we do it, (although if that is the case for you, you might want to look at that and reconsider this profession) - but it is how the machine of this business is run. You need fans to have a living, whether it's literal fans or casting directors that like you, directors that like working with you, or writer/producers who keep giving you parts. You do need to be liked by someone. It's like being the new kid at school every time you walk into an audition room or play a show in a new town, "Is anyone going to want to sit with me at lunch?" Oh, that stress and agony I do not miss. I was the new kid a few times growing up. I quickly learned how to adapt to be likable, to be competitive and even when needed, feared. Yes, my little stick figure & sass back then could scare someone into submission. I was NOT about to be bullied! The first and last time boys tried to pin me down in recess got their arms chewed! The competitiveness came in handy when being chosen on teams for gym class - an easier way to get accepted in a group. God that all sounds exhausting doesn't it? And this was all under the age of 12.
Anyone see the animated film - INSIDE OUT? - Wendy mentioned it in class and I had never really considered this before watching it, how that "need" to be accepted thing, from moving around affected me as much as it did. I always found myself falling into friendships pretty quickly after a move - but the few hours or days of uncertainty did leave a mark - much like the star in this animated film. I can see how those traits played out more in my 20s for sure, I had major FOMO. When I hit my 30s I kinda went the other way, and still say No, ALOT, maybe even too much, but years and years running around ragged burnt me out, and I just felt like you get me or you don't, you like me or you don't and I became more of an introvert. - However, here's the rub, even introverted, I still have a need to prove myself in certain relationships. Ugh, it doesn't just go away!?
Which brings me to a job I had gotten. An acting gig. And it had been a long time since I had one. It was just a small role but I got to travel for it. When I got there, I was charged up and super positive and amped about the opportunity! When I arrived I realized it was almost the last day of the shoot. All the leads were gone except the one in our scene and suddenly I felt like I was the new kid in the cafeteria again. "Everyone knows each other already, I'm only in one scene, how I am going to get to know anyone?" - my brain alerted me. But I shook it off and carried on. We did our rehearsal and were getting ready to shoot, when all of a sudden there was a hold up. A whispery meeting was taking place outside. One of the other actresses in my scene heard they might just scrap the scene all together. CUE the 3rd grader me, not feeling like I am going to get picked for the team, and getting angry because I didn't get to prove myself yet, which triggers the downward spiral into every judgement I have ever heard or felt from others which lets my inner critic loose to have a field day on me! "I'm not good enough", "I'm not pretty enough", "I should have gotten a nose job 10 years ago, why did I let them move me from my 'good side' to my 'bad side'?" "Geez Nicole, you can't even be seen as good enough in this little po-dunk town, how could you ever make it in LA?", "Really?, my 3 sentences were that bad? I should just give up!", "Maybe they never wanted me in the first place, maybe I was 2nd or 3rd choice and they had to settle for me?" ALL OF THAT F-in NOISE!!!
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| Not sure of the artist, but I just googled crazy brain! It cracked me up! |
So we go through all that hubbub in our mind. But what's the reality? I've been on the other side of the business, I have a casting and producer brain understanding. That scene I did get cast in, kinda came out of left field with the tone of the rest of the script. And if I wasn't doing what they wanted or envisioned for the character wouldn't they have first, cast someone else or second, attempt to give me some kind of note of direction on set? They shot multiple versions of the scene, so it became obvious they just weren't sure what they wanted or needed and just wanted to be covered for editing. Yet, look at the drama I put myself through needlessly in a matter of minutes. And it most likely had NOTHING to do with me. Isn't that such a human thing to do? To make it about us, and take things personally? Even if the truth is, they didn't like my "bad side" SO WHAT?! - I got a credit, I got paid, I got cast, I got to see a new town, I got to act, I got to show up and do my job. And that's all we can ever do. And there was a lot to appreciate about that situation. I can't help it if I am a required taste or if everyone is going to like me or not. All I can do is keep showing up and do my best. And most of all, my work is continuing to believe in & trust myself!
Here's the thing. If I wasn't able to recognize those thoughts and tame them, it could have turned into a major self-sabotage. I could have had a meltdown on set. I could have wasted a whole day off wallowing in self-pity and not exploring a new place, I could have turned off the cast and crew with copping an attitude out of self-preservation, I could have forgotten to send appreciation notes and not honor the opportunity I was given from being too busy in my pity party, OR, I simply could have just quit! Our ego and inner critic is designed to protect us from hurt, therefore it's job is to make us avoid potential rejection. But when we assume the worst or take things personally - WE ARE THE ONES REJECTING OURSELVES! Sure it may keep us from some threat of outside embarrassment but it also keeps us from making our dreams a reality. Don't let that happen. Tell your inner critic to take a walk or a flying hike for the matter!
This shows up in school, work, new projects, dating, relationships, really all over our lives. When we master this, life can start to flow for us a whole lot easier. And every opportunity, meeting, show, gig or even date can just be about the experience, not the outcome. How much more freeing does that sound? So I hope reading this you can see you are not alone! And if you have never felt this way and life has been a breeze - good for you. Whatever your secret is you can get paid a lot of money to share it with the world! haha
If you want more encouragement on this topic - here is a great post I just came across looking for more ART - Divinely Inspired! Positively Present!
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Be well ya'll & whatever you do, be good to yourself!
Happy creating & stumbling along the way,
xo - me
